Colleen from the Horticultural Club in Batemans Bay and Fiona McCuaig from Walawaani Way

Talking about the Options of end-of-life

It was an absolute pleasure to be invited to present at the Horticultural Club in Batemans Bay in August. I was very surprised to see a room full of people! I do sometime wonder if anyone would turn up to hear me talk about a topic that can feel confronting and uncomfortable - to talk and discuss something which most people are not wanting to happen - however, the room was full of attentive and enthusiastic people - ready to learn and ask questions about this hidden topic of death. We even had quite a few laughs! (especially at the fact that Virginia who helped organise the talk would still be welcome to be buried at Walawaani Way with her newly replaced hip!)

The one thing that is important to me for these type of talks is not convincing people to come to Walawaani Way as an option of what to do with their beautiful life-giving vessel. The purpose is to get the conversation going and getting people to start thinking about what they would like - before it happens. It’s about informing and educating the audience about the Options. Most people don’t know the government regulation, mainly the Public Health Act (quite understandably as it’s been a learning curve for me too!)

It’s a surprise to most - that a loved one who has passed, can be kept at home for up to 5 days in NSW. There are options to keep the body cool after the first 8 hours such as with a Cool-Plate, Techni-Ice or a Cool Blanket. Maybe it’s not everyone’s cup-of-tea to have the body there for 5 days, but we do encourage them to consider having the body at home for a day and a night - I feel that it is hard to do this, but harder if the body is taken away.

It’s important for everyone to realise this is THEIR person, no one needs to take their loved one away until they are completely ready. It’s a very important time to cry, tell stories, brush their hair, wash them, dress them, say the last things they want to say. So many cultures do this - in their different way. I like to reference the Irish - who start with a cup of tea beside their loved one and in a few days the the champagne, beers and stories come out - and it’s more of a celebration and appreciation of that life lived.

I had some really lovely conversations before and after the presentation. One of them was particularly amazing. It was from a Club member who lost her husband a few years back. She took me aside after the presentation and told me this very special story about her husband who died of cancer. She cared for him with all of her heart at home. Their connection was incredible, a real love story. He was close to dying but she did everything to make sure he was not going to die because she never wanted to lose him, but then one morning she realised she was actually holding him back from dying with all her words of encouragement that it was all going to be fine and he would get through this.

It was 6am, she said, and she looked over at her husband lying next to her and saw he was wide awake and this was unusual as he normally slept during the morning. When she looked at him, she realised that he was not going to get better and that he was in pain and that he needed to go. It was time to stop telling him he was going to get through this. She realised she needed to give him permission to die, he needed to hear that from her. So she did… she said something like, It’s time for you to go now, it’s going to be alright that you go now. He died very shortly after that.

This story of her telling me this was so beautiful in so many ways. To me, it wasn’t a story about death, it was a story about life and incredible love - she needed to do what was not right for her, but was right for him because she loved him so much. And he needed to have her permission to go - because he needed her to be ready and wanted to know it was alright. This story really touched me deeply and a lesson for us all I feel.

Fiona McCuaig - Founder of Walawaani Way